There Is Joy in the Journey

By Laura-Rose Thorogood, LGBT Mummies.

The path to parenthood should be one of joy, exhilaration and happiness. But the path to parenthood for the queer community is not for the faint-hearted. It can be marred by assumptions, discrimination, bias and erasure, that can at best be described as debilitating. A ‘Russian roulette’ of attempting to seek out safe and inclusive care, whilst navigating the usual barriers and implications any intended parent comes across. My Wife at the time and I soon found out that equal and equitable access to the pathway of our choosing was not within reach. NHS fertility funding provision for ‘people like us’ was non-existent, and so the pathway to self-funding was our only option. We opted for fertility treatment with a UK clinic (CRGH) using a US sperm bank (XYTEX)  which ultimately left us financially bankrupt, in tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt, which we were actively willing to surrender to- bereft with the fact the system excluded us, but desperate to create the family we dreamt of. Physically and psychologically it was exhausting. Coupled with the financial burden, failed IUI and IVF cycles, miscarriage, PCOS, secondary infertility, post natal depression and obstetric violence marred experiences that as stated should have been joyful. We were incredibly fortunate to complete our family and have four miracle children- but they came at a cost, one that we were willing to pay, accompanied by long term implications.

When it came to pregnancy and the changes to my body, as someone who used to be a performer, I struggled with body dysmorphia, constantly trying to acquire the perfect ballerina figure, and the thought of pregnancy, whilst exciting terrified me. Putting on weight and being larger was not a connotation I warmed to. Once pregnant, I loved the feeling of growing a tiny human, and became accustomed to acceptance of my body changing form-but it was a struggle for some time, and thereafter was also difficult to address with a long period of struggling to lose the weight post-birth. As a queer woman who spent years of self-loathing my identity and struggling to come to terms with my sexuality, I wanted to still be the petite femme that I was prior. I had to address my body shifts and how that was a necessity to be healthy in pregnancy for my babies I carried.