Growing up gay and neurodivergent

October is spooky season aka the best time of the year but it's also ADHD Awareness Month so you might have noticed more people opening up about their diagnosis, or maybe you haven't!

The NHS says ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is a condition where the brain works differently to most people. For years and years ADHD has been overlooked, misdiagnosed and/or misunderstood and recently I've learnt that life changes unmask traits which explains so much! In childhood and early adulthood, external structures like parents, school, partners etc help contain ADHD traits so then in midlife the loss of these supports through breakups, job changes, responsibilities etc can bring those traits to the surface.

ADHD can lead to low self esteem and social function in children when not appropriately treated. Adults with ADHD may experience poor self worth, extra sensitivity towards criticism, and increased self criticism possibly stemming from higher levels of criticism throughout life and trust me, I know this is true.

When I was diagnosed in 2024, it didn’t change who I was, it just explained why I'm the way I am. Now I know why I find it impossible to fake showing an interest in something that really doesn't interest me!

I used to feel so guilty all the time.

Now I know why I go through so many fads and new hobbies so quickly and why I get obsessed (or hyperfocus) with stuff that I'm really into. Like pop culture, astrology, Scandinavia, museums, Halloween/autumn, food, live music, new experiences oh and erm r̶e̶a̶l̶i̶t̶y̶ T̶V̶.

I finally understand why I have feelings of social awkwardness and why making and keeping friends has been such a challenge, maybe I came across as disinterested even when I wasn’t. I often miss subtle social cues and lose focus mid-conversation especially if there's another conversation happening behind us or if a song I like comes on!

Getting diagnosed gave me the words for things I’d always felt but couldn’t explain: the perfectionism, the burnout, the hyperfocus, the constant distractions, the emotional highs and lows, the creativity, the intuition, and the deep empathy.

It’s been a turning point, giving permission to be kinder to myself. I think I’m getting better at that….hopefully!

ADHD isn’t just the latest trend though I get why it might seem that way. I was sceptical myself when I was first referred for an assessment. But the truth is, our understanding of ADHD is still evolving and I reckon that’s why it feels like so many people are being diagnosed all at once. We’re all finally opening up, being honest about our struggles and realising that it’s okay to ask for help which is so good! You don’t have to go through it alone. Life isn’t always easy, and I always say Ronan Keating was spot on when he said life is a rollercoaster....

It's so true though!

We’re all human and social media makes it ridiculously easy to over share-like I’m doing right now (though technically, this isn’t social media so maybe it doesn’t count? Ha). It can be overwhelming. But here’s something strange I’m processing at the moment: this dawning realisation that for all these years-37 of them (omg) the thing I thought explained why I felt different or quirky/weird, or quirky (being gay) might not have been the whole story. Maybe not even the main reason. That’s a lot to sit with.

Finding out I’m neurospicy (loveee that word) has completely reframed how I see my life so far. It’s like someone handed me a new lens and suddenly everything makes more sense.

I can’t help but wonder, do other queer neurodivergent people feel this too?

Getting a diagnosis doesn’t just give you answers, it gives you a whole new way to understand yourself and really opens your mind and honestly it’s a lot.

I came out as gay in 2004, when I was just 16 naww. I still remember texting my mum while she was at work and she asked if I'd gotten someone pregnant LOL. Over the years I’ve grown into my identity and learning to embrace my gayness as I’ve evolved through experience and age. But coming out isn’t a one time thing. I’ve done it countless times at different work places, events, even with random people I met on holiday (the ones that you make plans to meet up with when we're all back in the UK but never do). That’s the reality of being queer in a heteronormative world.

Now, it feels like I’m coming out all over again, this time as neurodivergent. It might sound dramatic or silly but I get that same familiar twinge of anxiety when I talk openly about my ADHD. And just like coming out as gay, reactions have ranged from disbelief and indifference to warmth, kindness and genuine support.

Growing up, I struggled with focus, impulsivity, and emotional ups and downs all while trying to navigate my queer identity in a world that didn’t understand either. I was so quiet in school, my classmates probably thought I was mute but then I thought everyone just felt the same so I didn't ask for help. I didn’t know it then but I was masking and trying to blend in and be "normal", hustling for acceptance, carrying shame that was never mine to begin with. I overthought everything and constantly trying to hide my gayness which is wild now. It was a different time though I guess. But the moment I got home, the mask came off and I blasted my Britney Spears CD's in my room.

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I don't remember ever mental health being mentioned at school. And even now, in 2025, being both ADHD and a gay man still feels overlooked in my my personal opinion. But I’ve learned I’m not too much. I’m not broken. I’m just me. I’ve been navigating a world that wasn’t designed with queer, neurodivergent people in mind and that’s fineee. We make space where there wasn’t any I guess?!

I wrote this silly little article because I'm learning the value of vulnerability, and I wrote it for every gay man and queer person who’s ever been told they’re not listening, too sensitive, too much, or just felt misunderstood and exhausted from trying to hold it all together. You’re not alone. So many of us grew up feeling different without knowing why.

And random side note but important to me, I’ve always resonated with Edina “Eddie” Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous. I'd always joke to my mum that she's Eddie. Even though Eddie was never officially diagnosed with ADHD, her chaotic, exaggerated personality mirrors so many traits I now recognise in myself. I know she’s fictional, but I saw myself in her. She was my favourite, even though most people preferred Patsy (who I loved too). But Eddie? She just got me. <3

I’d genuinely love to know, did anyone else reading this relate to Eddie too? Or maybe there’s another character out there who’s felt like a mirror for you? Feel free to share your thoughts with me on Instagram or drop me an email at dale@scenemag.co.uk